On Dream Analysis

Nate: Whenever I have a dream with guns, they fall apart or don't work.
Greg: It's a euphemism for your genitals.

On Animations

Mark S: I'm sparkling and pretty!

On Marriage

Diego: You should go marry a bunch of death-row inmates.

On Entertainment Value

Diego: I've never been to a strip club, but I imagine mariachis are more fun than strippers.

On After-Work Activities

Eric: "I'm headed to the Nut House to go be a stripper."

On Chest Hair

Eric: It's like a Persian rug. The thread count is...quite high.

On Dead Baby Jokes

Shawna: What is the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies? One, you can move with a pitchfork.

On Your Mom Jokes

Diego: Hey Joey, where'd you get that shirt?
Joey: Your mom.
Diego: Really? My mom never gave me a shirt like that.
Joey: She doesn't love you the way she loves me.

On Cleanliness

Eric: "I am in and out of the shower in 2 minutes."
Diego: "I know! You're so fast!"

On Deploys

Ron: "Every time we flip, God kills a kitten."

On Consistency

Joanna: "I want the knife to be bloody."

On Tasty Alcoholic Beverages

Joey: 'Buttery nipples are worth looking like a sorority girl for.'

On 'Time to Penis'

Me: 'That wasn't a real penis.'

On Slighting the Friends You Have

Charlie: "Dana, don't tell Diego, but it's dinner time!"
Me: '"We're in the middle of a deploy, but I'll be there in a few minutes."
Charlie: "That's ok. I'll go eat with all my friends."
Me: "ALL your friends?! Thanks, Charlie."


10 minutes later, I pass by Charlie eating dinner by himself.

THE Question

Charlie, in his first conversation with me: "So Dana. If we were in a forest...and a BEAR was chasing after us...would you push me down to save yourself?"

Me: "No, I don't think I would be able to live with myself if I did that."

Charlie: "But you'd be ALIVE."

On 'Friendship'

Charlie to Diego: "I'll put my chocolate in YOUR peanut butter."

Reese's are forever ruined for me.